Ohm!
We are the morose marines, the puritan and plain ones, the generic givers of banal cliché.

We are glad to receive you for this sermon and we shall reward you with nothing. You shall wear black and you will sit on cold granite pews. We will tempt you with the delights of space and warfare, of atmospheric, third person team-based shooting and stealth within detailed vistas but we shall not deliver it. It is our mission to tantalise; it is our duty to bore.

Please be seated while we read Omens and Portents Verse 1-
‘You are the beginning and the end. You are the defendant, accused by the tribunal of military justice of mass murder across the Solgov governed star systems. You are up for court marshal and to understand why you must play the game and relate the story of the past, level by level. We set it up to be exciting, to be fresh and hard edged, and by playing through you shall find your salvation.’

Let us repeat the mantra of the great warrior Lenz Defect-
‘We shall accept no graphical flair whatsoever. Like the world, everything must look flat. Grey and dark, drab and brown are the tones and colours of the day and there must be rubbish shadows and lighting effects so that the world lacks depth and a convincing lustre. Cut scenes must be simplistic and laughable with zombie style animations and expressions, for we do not want a single vestige of humanity to shine through and corrupt us. The meek shall inherit the earth, and so shall all those with PCs from the prehistoric ages that have the power of an abacus. Graphics cards are evil-jaggies and poor textures are holy. Integrity flaws and dead soldiers’ limbs sticking out of walls and hillsides may be a source of mirth to the uneducated but we know better. Everyone is equal - the cult of Alpha Black Zero will look dated on even the most powerful systems’.

Can you see them brothers and sisters? Can you see the endless topography and undulating hills, this ramblers dream, this snipers heaven? Such a spiritual and free form jolly under the stars where a bit of stealth or outright shooting is completely your choice. We give you missions that last an age, we give you the ability to command your five disciples and to outfit them with weaponry sets to suit, never mind that after five minutes you won’t really be bothered with stealth or the two or three pointless and limited orders available to your team mates. Go guns blazing and heed not the evil words - “Hold your positions!”

No! The level already takes half an hour of walking and shooting to complete. Stay on the true path and don’t bother with kneeling or prone posture and ignore the stealth meter for it is no more than a cosmetic homage to better games. We shall excite you with a dropship or two but we will not deliver a Halo. We shall let you position your men and tinker at a strategic approach but Hidden and Dangerous or Conflict Desert Storm are both light years away in an evil universe called fun. Sit down and stop trying to leave the sermon, for persistence and endurance are a virtue that shall be rewarded. Poor value for money is the bane of modern gaming and is an evil that we can cure, for our levels go on and on and on and on and on and…. … …

Our way offers not only length but variety. You shall use your tactical powers to defend Governor’s palaces and revel in the delights of ‘never seen before’ escort missions. Take nothing for granted for the only thing that you can expect is the sun setting and rising before you have bothered to complete a level. Our enemy A.I. is one of attack or run away, for we have already brainwashed them into predictable and inhuman patterns, no matter the humorous cries of anguish they scream at being shot. And what are we doing in the 24th century wearing bog-standard fatigues and wielding SAS-looking machine guns and sniper rifles when on the other hand we are travelling in star ships you ask? Keep those thoughts to yourself and we will reward you by changing your weapons roster to daggers and clubs.

“Point A to point B to fill me with glee.
Done it once? Now do it three.
Walking and shooting should really be fun
But after ten minutes expect to be done.”

Or in other words; I was escorting a group of engineers for miles from point ‘A’ to ‘B’, trying to protect them. And after an hour I did it… Then I had to go all the way back and protect another team. THEN I HAD TO DO IT A-F**KING-GAIN!! Aaaaargh!