Very few niche games get through the console demographic tests - the closest we’ve got is Rockstar’s Table Tennis and Playboy: The Mansion. The PC is the hardcore gamer’s dream; flight and train simulation games aplenty dominate the shelves at the local GAME store, up there with the wealth of WWII RTS and FPS. So here’s one for those who like the thrill of the white powder, but aren’t as extreme (or cool) as the snowboarders.

Alpine Ski Racing 2007 is a far cry away from EA’s BIG line of games; the aim of the game is to get down the authentic slopes as quickly as possible, with no huge ramps that encourage triple-backflips or secret routes down the mountain that smash through ski lodges. Shame, as it would have been a hell of a lot more exciting.

In Alpine you have the chance to start a career from the rookie circuit right up to the pro leagues, and you can either use the character models of the two ‘celebrity’ skiers Bode Miller and Hermann Maier or create your own. Once you’ve chosen your skier you’re presented with the main career interface which superficially looks quite complex but actually is quite simple.

For a simulation game the gameplay isn’t all that sim-like; you can win races quite comfortably even if you swerve all over the place, as long as you don’t miss any of the gates (which carry with it a time penalty). In skiing you have to find the ‘perfect line’ in order to gain the most momentum but it doesn’t seem all that important in Alpine as long as you have the best equipment, good staff and hit all the gates.

In Alpine you get a few famous slopes; Val D’Isere was the only one I’d heard of though. But even with Slalom, Giant Slalom, Super G and Downhill races you can’t help but feel a sense of tedium descending rather quickly - every slope looks similar or the gates are laid out similarly. The only slope that offers a different challenge is the black piste - a sort of off-piste course that shoves all sorts of hazards in your way and when you pick up speed is pretty hairy. Unfortunately there aren’t many different routes and they’re terribly underused.

What has being a model got to do with anything? And why am I even being subjected to the stalker-like ramblings of two has-beens? It’s just quite funny where the game tries to be so serious and in-depth in some places and then sticks in some of the funniest dialogue I’ve heard since a Rockstar game, although this is almost certainly unintentional.

Alpine Ski Racing 2007 is a confused game. It’s too silly and basic in places to be classified as a simulation and too “by-the-numbers” and too real with its physics to be a fun arcade game. The result is a rather mediocre racing game that gets samey just as quickly as the terrible music and commentators get on your nerves. Best to stick to the more arcadey snow games out there - strangely they’ll last longer…