Firstly: Don't let your kids see this game. Secondly: Don't let your wife see this game. Thirdly: Don't let your parents, friends or employer know that you have this game. Fourthly (And most importantly): Don't let the police know, or next time someone in your area gets shot, stabbed, clubbed, decapitated, fried, toasted or fragged, in any way YOU will be a principle suspect - no, really.

   

Next: Download the patch. This will make the insufferable loading times almost tolerable and may fix a couple of other bugs as well. Hide yourself away in a locked room and tell everyone you're working on an Important Thesis. Only by such subterfuge and secrecy can you hope to keep your credibility intact as you covertly explore this demented game. With me so far? Good, into the game. Take a leisurely stroll to work (your car's knackered) and pick up your paycheck - try to stay out of trouble. Stay away from people - especially cops - if you like. Now peacefully saunter over to the bank and cash the cheque so's you can buy your dear wife some milk from the shop on the way home…………just toooooooo easy? Not in this town it ain't. In "Paradise", you will probably have to defend your miserable life with such every-day items as a spade, pistol, petrol & matches, shotgun and MP5. And this is only Monday, your first day of innocuous chores to carry out with as little hassle as possible. It gets worse, lots worse. Your unfortunate tendency to attract violence from armed protestors, rednecks, dodgy traders, the police, the army, as well as spontaneous nutters with worse principles than yourself, increases daily - even a herd of elephants goes wild just when you happen to be nearby. Your chores thus get harder to achieve, so your own tactics get unavoidably dirtier. By midweek you should know how to use the more exotic instruments of death available, assuming that you've found them: hunting rifle, RPG, hand grenades, Molotov cocktails, scissors, napalm launcher, a festering cows-head (hmmm?)…and the Bass(Arse)-Sniffer with Largemouth Bass and Piranha Plugins which constitutes the "Chompy" sub-game, where you put the bite on your enemies in remote control safety. You will probably be making efficient use of illegal substances to enhance your performance at times of intense strife. You find that wearing a stolen Police uniform allows you to wander around carrying a weapon without attracting immediate hostility, and nicer folks even greet you with a cheery "good day officer".

Subsequent days/levels see you completing further everyday chores and errands (taking a birthday prezzie to uncle Dave, returning a book to the library, getting a Christmas tree, getting a small black celebrity's autograph, etc. - what could possible go wrong with these?). Unsurprisingly, things get more and more out-of-hand, each day opening new areas of Paradise for you to explore, should you still be enjoying this psycho-nightmare. I admit that somehow, I WAS! - Even though the mini-skirted girls wear g-strings - and don't tell me you haven't looked - I won't believe you.

   

Further description would ruin the fun of discovery so I'll leave it there, except to mention that after completing the graveyard level, you apparently get caught by rednecks and wake up in an open-arse gimp-suit! The implication that you have most likely been sodomised is a big turn-off (I nearly said 'bummer'!) or maybe turn-on if you're of a certain persuasion - however this makes you very determined to kill every single unfortunate bastard that gets in your way as you leave! Once outside, the other characters titter and make remarks as you head for the laundry (with your arse hanging out) to find some less conspicuous attire. Yes, that's right, the game takes the piss out of you! Not surprising, really, when your character is, bizarrely, yet another ginger-headed, beardy weirdo rather like Gordon Freeman of Half-Life.

Note: When you complete the game, you activate a load of cheats and some strange powerups and can play the "enhanced" game, which is basically the same but with some weird (and fun) upgrades to your weaponry. Oh yes, nearly forgot to mention the "Dirty Pervert Patch" you can download (removes those annoying g-strings) at http://www.postalnetwork.org/dirtyperv.