My dirty honeymoon on the dunes of the Supercross circuits of MX vs. ATV (or “dirt bikes vs. quad bikes” for the less acronym-inclined) started pretty well; from the presentation the game looked huge. There were so many different tracks and modes, most of which could be tinkered with in terms of racing style, that I didn’t know where to begin. It seemed like this review was going to be a long time coming.

Let’s get one thing straight first: There is no real contest with Dirt bikes vs. Quads. Hands down the bikes win; they’re faster, lighter and can turn tighter than quads. So why they made a game based around the premise of a showdown between the two classes is rather bizarre, as if you try to race against dirt bikes in a showdown your quad bike will simply get left at the back like the kid at school that smelt like pee.

But enough of this tournament rubbish, let’s get dirty! MX vs. ATV is one of the very few games where I’ve actually felt an adrenaline rush while racing. Races don’t start with your “three, two, one” rubbish; you wait behind some bars until they suddenly drop down, signalling the start of the race. This creates a lot of tension and also gets you concentrating right from the start, as you’ll need every brain cell to negotiate the mazes they call courses around here!

The Ai is a bit of a disappointment, however. Mastering this art of pre-loading is hard, and takes time to get used to on each track, as the stretches of humps are different each time. The Ai is unforgiving here, always getting the correct path leaving you struggling to make time on the straights and single jumps. Sometimes you’ll see two computer riders have a little duel with each other, and you think maybe they aren’t invincible…try going head to head with one of the Ai riders and EVERY time you will be the one in a wall or upside-down. Unless you jump above him and land on his head, which I’ve only managed once. The most annoying is if another rider touches you in the air while you’re doing a trick you’re automatically knocked off, but if the same happens reversed you’re punished again. Shame on you MX vs. ATV, you big bully.

The extra missions looked so cool on paper: Helicopters, planes, buggies, Smugglers Run-esque trucks and even golf carts! Unfortunately each vehicle handles like an awful version of the same vehicle from another game. The controls for San Andreas have been (nearly) used for the helicopters and planes, which should be a good thing until they made the controls really heavy and unresponsive. Flying a biplane through trick rings felt like flying a DC-8 Cargo plane full of dog shit, and the helicopter handled like it was carrying Rick Waller and Dawn French after an afternoon at the buffet. Combine the awful handling with the fact that the devs made the trick rings solid instead of holograms, meaning you can (and often do) hit into them, and you’ve got the most annoying game modes since the Army Men franchise. All the land-based vehicles handle near enough the same-they are all overpowered in the rear (turn a little too much and you’ll spin out), slide unrealistically and at times don’t even look like they’re racing along the ground. What was meant to be a break from racing cool hills and mountains turned into something that makes you beg to get back to them.

In the words of the late prophet Swiss Tony:
“Playing MX vs. ATV Unleashed is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. When you see her you can’t wait to get stuck in and in the beginning it’s hard work, but gets easier. It requires good rhythm in order to get the most out of her. Sadly after a while you start to get bored of her; the thrills all seem the same, which is when it’s time for you to trade her in for a newer model.”